Reflection: Elephant-Written Fiction

DISCLAIMER: The following post is an April Fools Day joke.  Its contents are not to be taken seriously.  Of course, its contents are rather ridiculous too, so if you do find yourself taking it seriously, you should probably seek professional help.

So, I have recently decided to convert my blog into a showcase for works of fiction written by elephants. Sadly, elephant-written fiction doesn’t get as much attention as it should these days, so I’ve decided to do my part to help expand the audience to this often overlooked genre.

If you think elephants can’t write fiction, you are mistaken. I actually know a few elephant writers, and have heard stories about their struggle.

There is the issue of the elephants actually getting the story down. They can sure hold a pen with their trunk, but it takes a lot of effort to move it just right to get the words down on paper, and when they do get written down, it turns out to be in 196.2 point font (give or take a point). Because of this, elephant writers often prefer to use typewriters or computers.

However, they still need to take care stepping on the keys, as it is surprisingly easy to smash the keyboard under their foot.

That, and elephant trumpeting is not a very commonly spoken language among readers, which could severely limit the audience, unless the author is able to find a good translator, and English-elephant translators are rather uncommon.

One of the elephant writers I know hired an animal whisperer as a secretary, who serves as a typist and translator, to deal with these two main issues.

Then, they struggle with subject matter. Too many works by elephant writers place too much emphasis on peanuts, and use black market ivory traders as villains, causing these to become cliché in elephant-written fiction. Elephant writers struggle to get away from these overused tropes. The circus and the zoo are becoming popular subjects for elephant-written stories.

I think the romance genre has great potential. There really aren’t enough elephant love stories in the world today.

Therefore, I have decided I will be showcasing Elephant-written fiction on this blog in the future, to bring some much-needed attention to this sadly overlooked type of stories, and hopefully get more elephant writers published. As rhinoceros writers suffer many of the same problems as elephant writers, I aim to expand the scope of this project to include them within the next few weeks.

If you are an elephant writer, send me your stories, and I will post them. I will also be visiting local zoos and circuses, seeking good stories.

I will continue to be writing my own stories, of course, but will no longer post them here. If you want to read the rest of Cromm, and more of my short stories, simply send me a message, ask to sign up for my mailing list. I will personally send you one story every second Friday via telegram, carrier pigeon, late night phone call, or floppy disk (specify how you want the stories in your message, along with your name, address, phone number, favorite color, and favorite episode of Star Trek). Thank you.

White Rakogis is signing off.

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